me: from wikipedia..."It tells the story of a shy waitress who decides to change the lives of those around her for the better, while struggling with her own isolation."

Sent at 3:10 AM on Thursday

me: i just read the plot on wikipedia (for amelie)...and well, one easy similarity is that i had messed up parents (just like amelie) that resulted in my being so socially awkward (and also when i was 10, i had this weird (and what i considered super-natural epiphany about saving the world...thats a long story though)...anyhow...in turn that forced me to be a bit disassociated from the world...and left me to define reality with what i could understand when i was around the age of 10 (and ever since then)....but when i was little i didnt read very much, but i played a lot of video games (so, i think, i took a lot of my life lessons from games, instead of books or parents)...wait theres more....

: TL;DR

me: ?

: "too long; didn't read"

except i did read it now

me: ok...just a lil more

Sent at 3:30 AM on Thursday

me: its the whole "isolation" deal, but being "in my own world" is a bit lonely (like during high school & early college), so i slowly developed mechanisms to incorporate people into my world. in college i use to take people on "adventures" to places like rooftops and really cool places i'd find exploring on my own. (i really like taking people to rooftops, b/c it is surprisingly easy to get up there sometimes and people never think to go)....anyhow, in the same ways (as i guess wikipedia described amelie), I'd try to do things to people to make them happier and better people....to me, the world was just a bunch of mindless robots following social norms and i'd like to (figuratively) poke at them to see if they were really human....

Sent at 3:36 AM on Thursday

me: but senior year...i finally had a real friend (who understood me well enough)...and later a boyfriend...and that is how i have gradually socialized myself. although, i am still very much that person i described i once was...

Sent at 3:40 AM on Thursday

me: i even have scripted lines that i say everytime to people when i took them on "adventures"

"so i'm expressing my love for her by helping her with her homework.
which probably reduces my legal liability."

i was thinking about this the other day...and well, i think that a major emphasis on love languages is that it is specific to a person. that, although, how you love people is significant, the work of loving someone effectively is loving them the way they accept love...sometimes that's easy to figure out and sometimes not.

On Thu, Mar 6, 2008 at 8:56 PM, bj wrote:

i'm not doing any research yet, although i have caught the attention of
one of my professors with my interest in particle filters / sequential
monte carlo methods.

for love languages, i respond the best to the "undivided attention and
spends time alone with me" and the "running errands or taking on my
household chores". for me, if you really love someone, you make time to
see them even in your busy schedule and you think in terms of how can i
help this person. If i ask someone for a date and we don't agree on a
time and don't try and reschedule, i see that as a fairly clear sign to
proceed no further. i personally don't express love with gifts. i
guess i'm very mistrusting of words of endearment, however in the past
i've tried to express my "love" with very long letters (that thinking
back where probably completely devoid of any feelings and terms of
endearments....). when i respond to physical contact sometimes it is
hard to separate the love from the lust.

so i'm expressing my love for her by helping her with her homework.
which probably reduces my legal liability.

thinking back about what you where talking about, about being judgmental
and all, i wonder if my sense of humor ties into everything. i turn
self criticism into a joke, which makes it easier for others to
criticism me, so i have a better idea how to improve. at the same time
i don't really have a low self esteem.

john the baptist for rooster girl? so you're like preparing me for for
her like john prepared the jews for Jesus?

its like we dated, broke up, and got back together again. i'm learning
so much...

> i think growing up the way you did, you have quite a wall up
> (intentionally or not). annnd, sometimes that wall makes you seem
> ridiculously judgmental. I'd say that when I open up to people, I
> mostly expect indifference, and I had a hard time dealing with such
> scrutiny from you when I'd share things. I think that there is a time
> for that, although those words should be spoken gently and out of
> love. For you, it seems that it is more of an automatic thing.

> i'm working hard on research, and never had i ever thought that being
> a girl mattered. i figured people are people for their own reasons.
> One thing i recently noticed was that I often need people (like my
> adviser) to tell me that I'm doing well, or at least ok. I know I
> should assume that he wouldn't give me work that he doesn't think I
> can do, but it matters to me for him to say that he knows I can do
> it. It's funny, b/c i never considered myself a girly person, but am
> recently realizing the needs i have for emotional affirmation....i
> think i am just slowly becoming a person, after having to separate
> myself from that long ago.
>
> learning about myself is interesting.
>
> anyhow, i think some, for some people, you love them differently. i
> remember someone calling this "love languages," and that people need
> to be shown love in certain ways. For some it is through words,
> others through touch, and others through service. you seem to have an
> ability to make yourself unreadable, and really, people constantly try
> to evaluate whether another person, like yourself, actually cares. I
> think when you receive no data indicating true and deep concern/love,
> then the tendency is to feel very rejected and misunderstood. People,
> like me, are usually very guarded against that, but i think that is a
> fearful way to live and to love....and "perfect love drives out fear"
> which assumes that love IS something that causes fear. So, you kind
> of caught me at a time when I was extending beyond where i consider
> safe and protected.
>
> all in all, i kind of feel like the "john the baptist" for rooster
> girl, or whatever other girl she may be (if not the rooster one).
>
> what is your love language?
> http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/30sec.html#love
>
> :)
>
>
> On Thu, Mar 6, 2008 at 4:17 PM,bj wrote:

>
>
> exactly. good observation.
>
> when i think of being judgmental, i think about it in terms of "your
> bad" or "your going to hell". basically that you are making an
> ethical
> or moral decision about someone, a judgment of values or morals. I
> thought i was just being critical, as in constructive criticism.
> it was
> always said out of love and i never meant to be mean. when i open
> up to
> someone, i actually expect and even crave constructive criticism. i
> don't want to be surrounded by a bunch of friends who simply
> sympathize
> with me or a manager surrounded by employees who always say "yes".
>
> i suppose i've got 2 weeks to learn this lesson about being too
> judgmental. perhaps i'd be better at encouraging people using a
> carrot
> then hitting them with a stick.
>
> thanks for the insight.
>

>
>
> wrote:
> > I was emailing back and forth with my atheist friend (brother)
> in the
> > lab and well, you came to mind again.
> >
> > It's frustrating for me (and most likely, you also), that back
> then, I
> > had a hard time pinpointing what it was that you did which was so
> > horrible. I think I have a better idea now. While talking with my
> > friend, i realized that he's one of the most non-judgmental and
> > refreshing people to talk to.
> >
> > i think growing up the way you did, you have quite a wall up
> > (intentionally or not). annnd, sometimes that wall makes you seem
> > ridiculously judgmental. I'd say that when I open up to people, I
> > mostly expect indifference, and I had a hard time dealing with such
> > scrutiny from you when I'd share things. I think that there is
> a time
> > for that, although those words should be spoken gently and out of
> > love. For you, it seems that it is more of an automatic thing.
> >
> > sometimes speaking harshly, is like stoning someone. it stings when
> > it comes from someone who doesn't seem to care about me.
> >
> > thats all,
> >
> > have a wonderful day!

I don't know why I thought this, but... did you ever think, despite the fact that we weren't friends in HS, that being at the same college, we had at least one conversation. i mean, there are a lot of people i could say this about, so it's not that serious. Anyhow, I think what makes this message-worthy is that I never knew you were Christian, and it would've interesting to hear about it.

Recently, I've had a rush of high school friend requests, and well, i can't help but think about HS as a result. Earlier this morning, I heard a jimmy buffet song; strange, how tenderly the memories surface. As confusing as those times were, I still miss them :)

I'm doing well in California for PhD. Hope things are well for you. God never ceases to amaze me.

This past week, I attended the Game Developers Conference for the
fourth year in a row. How is it that a group of people can grow to
love each other more every year with just a weeks worth of
interaction?...I don't know, but what I can say is that I've never
felt more accepted and understood by any other group of people. I was
sitting in church last Sunday wondering why has church has fallen
short in many ways of what I've expected. The typical answer is that
I'm the one with the problems and then I get brushed off soonafter
(which, of course, does not help). I'm left a bit isolated wondering,
am i really the only person who feels this way? When I think about
the past week, the people I've met, the people that I only get to see
once a year, I wonder why this is more real and impactful to me than
any church or church group I've been part of. Maybe I should stop
being christian?...lol.

As far as church goes, I am often left feeling invisible, and people
eventually stop trying b/c i'm not what they are use to and they just
don't know what to with me. To be quite honest, I often don't know
what to do with me. So, which side is the one that isn't trying hard
enough? I dont know, but it's not fair to say that I'm the sole one
who is not trying. By going every week, I am trying.

I realized this past week that there are groups of people who've got
it right. Sometimes I feel as if the people who aren't doing it for
God are the ones who are doing the way God would want it to be done.
Now, the cohesion and synergy of Game Developers Conference (GDC)
Conference Associate (volunteer) program, has, in my opinion, not so
much to do with the fact that we're all into games (It's a bit less
tangible than that). We're all drastically different types of people,
some very introverted, some very extroverted, some are artists,
musicians, programmers, designers, producers, students, businessmen,
young and old, and of all sorts of nations. We are all united,
however, for a common cause which is what I would say the aim of the
church should be, uniting all types of people under the one spirit,
that is over all, through all, and in all. One of the most observable
differences is that the people who are GDC Conference Associates all
pretty much love each other for who each person is and are almost
expected to see and do things differently. It's a challenge to make
everyone feel included, but at GDC they've managed to make all 350
Conference Associates feel like they are a part of something good.

With GDC being such an overwhelmingly large and eventful week (16000
attendees), I still manage to have the most intimate conversations
with people. Perhaps for each day of the conference, I talked about
God and christianity with a new person, some believing, some not, and
some searching. We shared about lives and loves and life experiences
that I'm too young or too American to fathom. And these people, they
seem to care about me more and more each year. Now you can say that
it's easy to care about someone for one week, but how I gain and grow
each year from being part of GDC is more precious than what I get from
going to church each week. Church is full of book knowledge, GDC is
where I put things to practice. With that said....Maybe church should
only meet once a year. Maybe then we'd actually value the time that
we get to spend with each other.

I have a really broken sense of family. When it comes to family,
Christianity is really all I've got in this world. When I find
someone who is Christian or becomes Christian, it's like i find a
piece of myself, like I've found a long lost brother or sister, that
I'm not here fighting all by myself anymore and I can stand a little
taller and push even further. It makes me sad that the Church seems
want to keep me subdued instead of really knowing and loving me.
Those are the people who are suppose to care and take care of me. Am
I not trying hard enough? I'm really trying...I promise. I just have
such a hard time knowing what to do about it when no one's there to
help. Really, I just think I care a lot more about these things than
most people do. Do I have a wall up?...of course! But it is by no
means impenetrable. The CA program at GDC managed to break through
each year effortlessly and all I had to be was be there.

In conclusion, I can only say that the only way to really understand
what I am talking about is to become a conference associate at GDC and
see for yourselves (or perhaps find a likeminded group). In the
meantime, you'll have to take my word that there's something really
wrong with the churches I've been to and something really right about
the GDC conference associates program.



So, why did I write all of that? I blame the constipated thoughts of
an ineffably remarkable experience (that only gets better each year).
I feel as if a lot of people don't know how to respond to me or just
don't really feel like it is worth the effort to read and decipher all
of that. What does this have to do with what he wrote? In some
ways, reading his thoughts was like a laxative for my brain. I also
feel like kicking it up a notch while I'm still alive to do so. It
does seem a bit ridiculous to write an extra explanation for what i
wrote, but for some reason, I feel a need to defend myself (despite
this not being about antagonism). I just need people to know that I
am trying...I wrote this b/c I am trying.

i'm not sure if anyone really gets what I was trying to say,
but damnit.....it's how i feel as real as i can be.

//==================================================

(the responses.....lol. i blame selective reading...)

Hey, thanks for sharing. It's sad news to hear that your church experience has not been a good one out there thus far. I'm sure you have, but if you haven't, pray and ask that God would really open up opportunities for you to get plugged in. At times, just going to church and being available isn't enough unfortunately, but really actively pursuing to join and be integrated in the church may have to come from your own efforts, you know? We'll be praying for you in SG. Press on

//===================================================

(me response)

i am trying!...lol

thats what i kept sayin.

//===================================================
(response to me)

"By going every week, I am trying."

i'm just saying that this alone is not enough at times. i know for me personally, although you may not think this, i am not the type that will just naturally raise my hand and do something or put myself out there to meet new people. but i have to actively push myself and pray that god would give me boldness and courage to do it sometimes. it shouldn't have to be this way, like you said, but doing this as well as praying will pave the way, that's all. =) then hopefully the church will also do their part.

//===================================================

(i respond)

but I am the person who would volunteer to do stuff annnd especially
meet new people. i wish you knew that part of me. anyhoo, imma
monster networker too! What that means is that one of my gifts is
that i can connect people together, like bringing al to small
group, but way crazier sometimes. I'm not trying to list my efforts,
but it is more than just showing up. Personally, I believe that if a
new person comes to church and then comes back then it shows that they
are indeed trying.

what i was saying was that i found a group of people (who aren't
necessarily christian) and they got it right. people in the group,
they were loved and accepted, and as a result, they worked hard to
contribute to the group. I think service is a state of the heart, and
not something behavioral. What was the advice that was given to
solomon's son rehoboam?

"If today you will be a servant to these people and serve them and
give them a favorable answer, they will always be your servants."

it shows that if you don't love your kingdom, you aren't going to
serve with your heart. trying to get people to work who don't have
the heart will only divide the kingdom like it did Israel.

when a person feels invisible, they feel like they are ineffective.
all i'm sayin is, make me visible. LOOK!...this random group over
here has got it right.

one way for me, personally, to feel visible is to get to know me. That's all.

one person at a time, i try my best to *know* them within whatever
short amount of time i have. (damn, i wish you knew that side of me).
See, I realized that i am not afraid of getting to know people, b/c i
usually just cut to the chase and ask the real questions...you know?
Not everyone is like that.....that's cool.

writing that long email about church and game developers. that's my
way of helping people get to know me....its so simple, you just have
to read it and think about it. you don't even have to ask!

i'm trying....trying to be visible...i *want* _you_ to see me.

i wrote that essay-email to you, but i needed to write something
like that anyhow. i sent it to small group, but i sent it to
other groups too.

i got some positive feedback from my graduate fellowship. they were
like..."i feel you...lets do something to change that." i know a
church or church group is made up of individuals. I am one person who
acknowledges that something is wrong and needs to change, and if we
all realized it, then *that* would be the change.

i'm trying....i emailed you all that email b/c i am trying.

//===================================================

(response to me)

i hear what you're saying, i've seen glimpses of you and your willingness to get to know other people, and so you don't have to explain that aspect of you. =) all i'm trying to say is, doing things on our own and doing "enough" in our minds will not always get things done, like you shared, i'm agreeing with you. it's not gonna be just how hard we try or getting everyone together on the same note, yeah those are steps in the right direction, but ultimately its relying on God to work, and for God to make things happen, you know? i'm with you, and i feel you, and i just wanted to encourage you to trust in God more, rather than in ourselves. that's all. =)

sorry if i came off the wrong way, definitely wasn't trying to correct you or bible you. just trying to encourage my sista!

//===================================================

(i respond)

now that's a bunch of pharisee talk!...just kidding

take care

(i thought that i was suppose to be actively doing things?...now your telling me that i can't do anything about it and its all in God's hands...lol...i mean, it's a bit of both, but neither was the point of what i was trying to convey.)

(end)

my first blogs (from the year 2000!) 8 of 8:

No two people define every word, feeling, or emotion the same way, yet they all have a general overview on what a family should be. Day after day, people try to search for or be in a perfect family, but who is to say what is or isn't considered ideal? What society thinks a family should be only corresponds as far as the definition in the dictionary, and since the term itself is applied in so many ways, it makes it even more difficult to know what a true family is. Still, some may say that perfection is impossible to find, but those are the people who do not understand the meaning of family.

A family (in terms of human beings) is most generally defined as a group of people who share a similar relationship. From a personal point of view, a family is where dependable and familiar people are found, whether they are bound by blood or a common cause. To many, a family can be the stability in one's own life, or a group of friends where a person can just comfortably be themself. Sometimes just living under the same roof or attending the same social events create a family. Trust however, is what keeps a family together and gives a sense of belonging. With this broad definition, many different types of families can be described.

A more indepth look into the meaning of family shows that different meanings range from a group of persons within the same ancestry to a unit within a crime syndicate operating in a particular geographical orgin. There can be a family of two or a family of five hundred; some are joined by birth, while others by love. Biologically, being part of a family is inevitable (everyone has to have come from somewhere); it demonstrates that family does not always develop with relationship, but relationship sometimes develop within a family. In another sense, some people find a belonging or common cause in organizations such as school, church, or work. Though they are not genetically linked, they bond with others of the same interests, developing into a family. Others are united under a leader or a culture; our nation, for instance, can be considered a family. The abundance and variety of family is evident, but there is more depth in the matter.

Many things can be considered family, but what makes a perfect family? Obviously, many things can develop into family, but do not gaurantee one. The perfect family is not a state of being, but a state of mind. A family may be connected by blood or cause, but without a common attitude toward each other, the family is prevented from growing closer together. An attitude where people are more willing to give than to take, where people mutually share a bond and obligation toward each other. A perfect family is not perfect, but is willing to accept imperfection and work continuously grow from their experiences. It shares its weak moments along with the strong, and it is infact those weak moments which brings the family closer together.

WIth however many ways we can define family, there is only one way to be an ideal family. A marriage or a birth certificate may create a family, but to live as a perfect family is a journey, not a destination.

my first blogs (from the year 2000!) 7 of 8:

jumping to conclusions...

reading between the lines...

assuming the obvious...

....these are the things that i hate HATE to deal with.....i dont believe in it....society would b so much better off with out these things...

this is the foundation of common sense...and common sense..along with reading between the lines has been integrated into society...

it is so much a part of society we have no choice but to read between the lines...because ppl feel the need to PLAY GAMES..

i kno a person who always acts like he doesnt care about things that he puts effort toward..and i honestly thought he didnt...but he was just playing games....

realizing that...i knew that he cared about the outcome...but he misrepresented it for reasons that he alone may or may not know...

reading between the lines was inevitable...but it would b narcissistic of me to try and explain why he did so...

my point is ppl shouldnt play games....but they do...

i even play games...and most of the times i dont even realize...

i dont mind if someone points it out to me...but i dont appreciated it when ppl make up reasons for why i do things...nothing u do can b fully explained with one reason..theres always more....just cuz it seems tho im doing something for "obvious reasons".i might not b...or mayb i am...im the only one that knows...

playing games is a way ppl manipulate the system...because of their insecurities...

some one could "pretend" they dont care about something...they infact care about....to save face...when it doesnt turn out the way they want it to...

and we have to b able to see through that....but how do we kno?...we cant all read minds....all it does is cause confusion..betrayal and...lies...

who are we to say what...when we depend on a system that only works sometimes

the system being "common sense"....a system so easy to manipulate...

jumping to conclusions is exactly what we are brought up to do in society....heres an example:

someone sez.."go get it out of my refridgerator"...we assume that we are going to the kitchen...but the person could mean the refridgerator that is in the basement...and ppl do keep them in their basements....

a system that is so prejudice....ppl that dont read between the lines are at a disadvantage...

it shouldnt b this way....it does more damage than good...

ffpaladin ^_^ '00

my first blogs (from the year 2000!) 6 of 8:

there are 4 characteristics of liars and 3 charcteristics of truth tellers....

=====================

4 types of liars:...

~people who lie for self image...(eg. ppl who lie about personal experiences in order to gain respect from peers)

~people who lie to escape responsibility....(eg. someone who lies to get out of trouble...or someone who lies to get their own way...)

~people who lie to keep the truth from others...(eg. someone who lies in order to not hurt someone elses feelings...)

~people who lie for amusement...(eg. prank calling)

=====================

3 types of truth tellers....

~people who tell the truth because they feel obligated

~people who tell the truth because of their concience

~people who tell the truth because they just dont care enough to lie...

i think that people who tell the truth just because they feel obligated are infact hipocrites....they are the ones who take on the characteristics of those who lie to keep the truth from others...they are so self concience of themselves that they couldnt bear to offend n e one else....

the people who tell the truth because of their concience are the ones that feel guilt when considering the 4 characteristics of liars.....

tellin the truth because u just dont care...is a vital characteristic of truth tellers....it reanalyzes the concience characteristics by not desiring the 4 gains of lying...

ffpaladin ^_^ '00